Monday, March 27, 2006
the start of a downfall.... / 1:02 am
i'm beginning to feel stress up... with all my work... i know there are many things which are backlogged due to my "inefficiency" but i really thot i tried my best to do many things..... I guess things kinda get overwhelming for me....
my headaches have been back with a vengeance.... and it seems that i cant get to sleep at times... although i told my doctor that i could sleep. at nites.......
There are times whereby the things in my head keep rolling back wat if i had this and wat if i done that.. is this a gd way to this or that.... and its up to the point whereby i just get so stress and i noe while i do accept the blame of being slow or being unable to manage the time properly... but i think there are alot of things which i'm doing which ppl think that its only taking a few minutes.... why would i wanna drag certain things if i can finish it up at one go... yeah mebe i love to drag ... but duh...of coz i would finish it if i got time rite....
its easy to say that just spare 1 hr or 2 to settle the things... but wat if i really am stretch for my time... and that the multi-tasking have been way too much of multi tasking on me.... and wat if i said... yeah i promise to deliver that but honestly i really couldnt and this time around i actuali told you beforehand that i could not able to finish it and aask for a extension of time....then i'm not being professional u say.... yes.. i think rite now... i just cant be professional... its like i cant focus well.. and well i focus i'm not really doing as welll as how i think i can... its like my mind is down... tried as i could but i really cant.. Now each time, i push myself harder.. i end up crying... my mind is really very tired...
Should i just shoulder on the blame.... i dunno.... i'm such a nerve-rack... nebe in my life have i feel this way.. its like depression... but not even to this extent.... even when i work in pNr nebe have i actuali become this way... going to doc almost every mth for the past 3 mths for my persisting headache.... at first i thot i'm just pms-ing but.. its seems to be taking a toll on myself.. i'm not my usual self anymore...i cry when i think about things... my headache... its like i'm almost scared of myself .... there are times i wanna throw things.. scream... i dunno... killing myself is totally out of the qn.... i fear the afterlife even more... just last week.. i chop off my hair...my almost-shoulder length hair have been chopped out to spiky hair-do..
Doc talk to me as if i'm losing it..... astaugfirullah 'azim.. can u imagine urself in my position... its like i cant even cried openly... i've been surpresssing it until i cant take it anymore... and this is it... i'm like realli losing it ... going over the edge.... thank God i've frens who supported me.. my mum who is willing to support me...
i've to force myself to think positively.... alhamdulillah i still have my studies to keep my mind distracted... its like my getaway from reality.... although the fact that exams is nearby... honestly i've nebe look forward to an exams b4...
Today, i've made up my mind to resign from work.. and honest to God, i just hope i can actuali dump the work on someone and go off... be damn whoever who take it.. but i may be losing it (god forbid!!) but i think my self-righteousness and responsibility comes in the way....
wanted to pray for divine help.. too bad i cant pray now... but still thoughts of Allah swt always instill the neber give up... but right now, i'm just too tired.. my brain is just too tired.. i really dunn wanna my studies to suffer becoz of this... and thus... if i go back to basic.. askingmyself wat do i really want.... wat i do know is i really wanna a break and stop doing all this work... coz its really dragging me down... and seriously i dun wanna lose my mind becoz of work... its just not worth it...
so come tmr... insya ALLAh... mudah-mudahan ku diberi kekuatan iman utk menghadapi segala cabaran ini....
my headaches have been back with a vengeance.... and it seems that i cant get to sleep at times... although i told my doctor that i could sleep. at nites.......
There are times whereby the things in my head keep rolling back wat if i had this and wat if i done that.. is this a gd way to this or that.... and its up to the point whereby i just get so stress and i noe while i do accept the blame of being slow or being unable to manage the time properly... but i think there are alot of things which i'm doing which ppl think that its only taking a few minutes.... why would i wanna drag certain things if i can finish it up at one go... yeah mebe i love to drag ... but duh...of coz i would finish it if i got time rite....
its easy to say that just spare 1 hr or 2 to settle the things... but wat if i really am stretch for my time... and that the multi-tasking have been way too much of multi tasking on me.... and wat if i said... yeah i promise to deliver that but honestly i really couldnt and this time around i actuali told you beforehand that i could not able to finish it and aask for a extension of time....then i'm not being professional u say.... yes.. i think rite now... i just cant be professional... its like i cant focus well.. and well i focus i'm not really doing as welll as how i think i can... its like my mind is down... tried as i could but i really cant.. Now each time, i push myself harder.. i end up crying... my mind is really very tired...
Should i just shoulder on the blame.... i dunno.... i'm such a nerve-rack... nebe in my life have i feel this way.. its like depression... but not even to this extent.... even when i work in pNr nebe have i actuali become this way... going to doc almost every mth for the past 3 mths for my persisting headache.... at first i thot i'm just pms-ing but.. its seems to be taking a toll on myself.. i'm not my usual self anymore...i cry when i think about things... my headache... its like i'm almost scared of myself .... there are times i wanna throw things.. scream... i dunno... killing myself is totally out of the qn.... i fear the afterlife even more... just last week.. i chop off my hair...my almost-shoulder length hair have been chopped out to spiky hair-do..
Doc talk to me as if i'm losing it..... astaugfirullah 'azim.. can u imagine urself in my position... its like i cant even cried openly... i've been surpresssing it until i cant take it anymore... and this is it... i'm like realli losing it ... going over the edge.... thank God i've frens who supported me.. my mum who is willing to support me...
i've to force myself to think positively.... alhamdulillah i still have my studies to keep my mind distracted... its like my getaway from reality.... although the fact that exams is nearby... honestly i've nebe look forward to an exams b4...
Today, i've made up my mind to resign from work.. and honest to God, i just hope i can actuali dump the work on someone and go off... be damn whoever who take it.. but i may be losing it (god forbid!!) but i think my self-righteousness and responsibility comes in the way....
wanted to pray for divine help.. too bad i cant pray now... but still thoughts of Allah swt always instill the neber give up... but right now, i'm just too tired.. my brain is just too tired.. i really dunn wanna my studies to suffer becoz of this... and thus... if i go back to basic.. askingmyself wat do i really want.... wat i do know is i really wanna a break and stop doing all this work... coz its really dragging me down... and seriously i dun wanna lose my mind becoz of work... its just not worth it...
so come tmr... insya ALLAh... mudah-mudahan ku diberi kekuatan iman utk menghadapi segala cabaran ini....
